In a crazy world...
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "feelfreetolove5" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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01:10 pm
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When life give you lemons...
Haven’t updated in forever. I’ve learned good news almost always is followed by bad news. I moved back into my dad’s yesterday, what a stressor. But it is SO good to be home. The boyfriend and I broke up. More than two years we were together, it’s rough. It was a mutual thing, we need this break-up and so I thought that would make it easier. No way, I cried all day yesterday. At work, while moving, in front of my dad and sister, on the phone with friends. I never cry around people. Then I drank some jager and went to sleep. I can barely eat and I feel numb to all feelings today. BUT I get to take a nice long drive to Lansing all by myself today and listen to music and enjoy the sun. And then I get to see my best friend. Everyone is being so supportive. And then this coming Thursday I will be on a plane on my way to see my other best friend, Kaitlin. I am so glad I get to see them both. AND they are BOTH coming home for the whole summer, HOORAY!
Kelly is pregnant, due in October. She wanted it, she got it and now reality is starting to set in and she doesn’t like it one bit. But they’re still both excited and it’s kinda cute. I will be the godmother. And I still hate her boyfriend.
I guess there wasn’t too much to update on but here’s to the single life. I can hang out with friends all the time again and not have a care in the world!!
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03:03 pm
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Bartender, I really did it this time.....
My mood is so out of control I hate it. The only time I feel good is when I take Concerta. It's sick. My therapist wants me to be put on it, my pyscho lady disagrees so fuck her, I'll go to my regular doctor about it & get a note from mr therapy. My health is horrible. I am tired ALL the time, keep getting sick on & off since October & am now getting dizzy headaches. Just make me better already dammit.
Florida is in less than two weeks!!! Oh, you have NO idea how much I need it. The break from work, from friends, from dad. Mostly from work, they've been driving me mad lately pulling me here & there & everywhere!
I'm going to the REHAB concert tonight with Rachel, Kelly, Ashley, Chelsea and ALL of our boyfriends. haha It's going to be a blast, we're drinking beforehand & I for one plan on dancing my ass off.
Kaitlin comes home 5 days before I leave so I am going to be spending a lot of time with her for three of those days & then again when I get back. She might even be here for my birthday!!!!!
Amanda moves before I get back. I'm finding more & more that we have both changed A LOT & I feel like our friendship just isn't important anymore, it's based on superficial things & it's just not the same. She is certainly not the same person, I hate it. But people change. I'm sure we'll always be friends, just not as close as we were before last year.
I go back to school this coming semester. Freaks me out, makes me SUPER nervous. I don't want to fail, I hate failing but I think being in therapy & coming to some MAJOR realizations has helped a lot. Plus, if I get Concerta that will most definitely help.
I'm moving home in April. David & I will still be together obviously but he knows how much I need to save money & he respects that. He's getting his own place. I sure do love him. We had a really long talk about it & he is so damn supportive. ♥
So some sad/angry things but mostly good. YAY! And I cannot wait for tonight, another two hours here at work?! AH! I am SO anxious to get going.:-\
ha, my dad is horrible. I got my Canon Powershot for Christmas :-] That's all I wanted from him......I am SO SO excited! He asked my sister when he should give it to me, I told her I could wait, as long as I have it for Florida right?! RIGHT! :-]]]]]] YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA!
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10:14 am
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Oh life.
Dear Life,
You suck. You stress me out hardcore.
Love, Kim
Okay. So Stacey might be going to jail, idiot. My sister is addicted to Vicodin and took it one step further, stole a script and faxed it to a pharmacy. Idiot, how would they NOT find out?! Ugh.
Little sister's bloodwork came back fine which is a relief but a bummer at the same time. She is in so much pain all the time, I just want her to be better. Her senior pics are incredible, I love them. Brass Shutter will have my business all my life. ♥
Kelly wants to get pregnant?! She came over last Saturday and we reconciled and then she proceeded to complain about Matt (her dirty scuzzball bf she met in jail) for an hour THEN she tells me she wants to have a baby with him?! WHAT?! NO! A) She is nineteen years old! B) Her and Matt fought so bad last time he broke two doors in their apt AND his hand. VIOLENT! C) She has NO money, she is always broke!! A baby is not going to make anything better. A baby is not going to fill that emptiness/lonliness she feels. And once she has this baby there is no more smoking pot, doing shrooms, drinking.....which Matt does ALL the time. A baby CANNOT be around that. Horrible idea. I wish she would just ditch that asshole and move on with her life. AH!
Other than that, life is alright. :-] Friendships are strong, relationship is better than ever and I am losing weight like whoa! haha Hope all is well!
Current Mood:  aggravated
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11:59 am
[Link] | I HATE my health. So I got a really bad cold for two weeks and missed one day of work then I start to feel a little better for ONE day and BAM I have a sore throat then I wake up the next morning and have no voice. Urgent Care here I come. Sinus infection, respiratory infection AND an ear infection. Six medications. UGH! I have been taking every pill religiously because I want to feel better. I am SO weak right now, work literally wipes me out. I just go home and rest and sleep. Going on week two of feeling this way. Missed yet ANOTHER day of work. I can't afford to miss anymore work. I HATE THIS. Then I am missing the gym because I can't do shit until I feel strong again. DAMMIT. I am just SO frustrated with everything.
And I am missing Kaitlin hardcore. She IS my best friend and without Kelly I don't have anyone who I can open up to about everything. I don't share my depression/weight issues with my sister or Amanda because they just don't get it and I feel embarassed crying in front of them. And David bless his heart will hold me and tell me I am beautiful and blah blah and that makes me feel better but it's not what I need you know? I need Kaitlin. I need my best friend. I've just been SO down lately. Everything was going GREAT and then it felt like everything was pulled out from under me. My mom moved 2 1/2 hours away, I am constantly jealous of people & their lives & friends, my dad and I rarely get along, I am worried about David and I, Amanda has been a complete bitch since Doc moved and then when he is around she is ALL over him, I have two months to lose this weight & I'm not going to school. I just feel very alone. I also feel like a failure. I can't talk about issues with the people I have them with until I get a better understanding and perspective of why I feel the way I do and the way I get that perspective is by talking to KAITLIN.
I just don't want to feel alone anymore. And next spring when our lease is up is going to be difficult. I don't know what to do. I love David I do but I feel like I need to be single for awhile. Then I think I need to date around. David is only my second serious boyfriend. I don't know. I just feel like I need some space I guess. I just feel smothered. I don't want to live with him after April. But I am so torn because I truly do love him but at the same time I feel like he is holding me back. And at this point, I don't want to live with Amanda either. It's too many decisions and feelings for me to handle right now. I don't want to do this.
Current Mood:  stressed
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10:04 am
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If you treat a sick child like an adult and a sick adult like a child, everything usually works out.
Ugh. I despise being sick. I felt better this morning but in the past two hours I've begun to feel like complete shit again. I HATE IT. When I came home Sunday David was sicker than I so I took care of him and my sister is even worse than he is. I swear if I get that sick I will cry. I want to go home but I really shouldn't miss any more work. No matter what I am definitely cancelling my appointment today. That would make me feel even worse, don't want to hear any pyscho babble today.
Kelly and I are still done but she decided to text me last weekend "Kim, I miss you. What happened to us?" It just pissed me off, did she forget what happened three weeks ago? So I text her back and said "I told you, give me a time and place so we can talk. I've tried so hard for so long Kelly. It's like you don't even care that we're no longer friends." She NEVER text me back. See the thing is I made plans to meet up with her and talk alone one or two weeks after the original fight went down, no boyfriends or distractions. But about 10 minutes before we were supposed to meet up she called me and told me Matt was with her. So I told her to drop my shit off at my house and David would give her skirt back. She asked David if I was home and of course I was not. I was at the meeting place getting my glasses. I just couldn't believe that she had Matt with her when she promised me she wouldn't. So it's all her now, the ball is in her court. But she went crawling back to Rachel so I doubt I'll ever speak to her again and when Rachel screws her over I certainly will not be around. She hasn't even spoken to Amanda about any of this, she basically just stopped talking to Amanda. It hurts, it really does but at the same time this has been coming for a LONG time and if she doesn't give a flying fuck about me then why should I care about her? Kelly has this trait where she thinks everyone except her should work to fix the problem. She doesn't think she has done anything wrong, she thinks that this is all my fault and I should put forth all the effort to make things right. Wrong, not this time. I am standing my ground.
Anywho...I hate being sick. haha I am joining the gym this week and starting my four classes. Boot Camp, Heat Yoga, Regular Yoga and Circuit Sensation. If I do all three boot camps I'll be in classes six times a week. I'm stoked. I'm going to be fabulous when Florida rolls around, can't wait!
And I a tired so I am signing off, finishing my work and then probably going home early. Thank goodness. Love to all!
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10:52 am
[Link] | Kelly and I are no longer friends. She chose her boyfriend over our friendship. The sad part is I didn't even ask her to, I never would. Amanda and I got WASTED last Saturday and had talked to her about 45 minutes before she was supposed to show up. SURPRISE, Kelly stopped answering our calls, kept pushing ignore when we called and then eventually shut her phone off completely. We left her 17 bitchy voicemails, the drunker we got the angrier we got. So of course she was upset and I don't blame her but because of that she decided to start shit with me and not be friends with me. The best part, Amanda left the majority of the voicemails and hers were WAY meaner than mine were yet she is not mad at Amanda, only me. At this point I don't care that we're no longer friends, I'm almost relieved. The thing is we have to call her and beg her to come hang out, if we didn't she'd stay home and sleep all the time. I can't remember a single time in the past year where she has called me to hang out. It's been a one way friendship for a very long time. When we can convince her to come out it's always a nightmare. If she brings Matt he sits there silent the entire time and makes everyone feel awkward. If she comes alone Matt either calls her crying and whining or calls her to bitch at her & she always ends up going home. Or she talks to us right before we're supposed to hang out and then doesn't answer our calls and never shows up and when we finally get ahold of her days later her excuse is always Matt. And every time he is not with her she is bitching about him and talking about how she wants to break up with him but then she gets angry when I tell her that she always uses him as her excuse. So you know I'm just sick of the bullshit, if she wants to be friends SHE can make the effort.
Kaitlin leaves Saturday morning for Cali :-[ I wish I was going with her, we've gotten so much closer over the past two years and I am going to miss her terribly. We got the chance to see Obama's acceptance speech last night at the State Theatre, it was incredible! Every single speaker was an inspiration and Obama's speech left me so awe-struck and with the feeling that this man truly does have what it takes to lead our nation into better times and solve the things that Bush so royally fucked up. Not saying that Bush didn't do good things but he's fucked up A LOT. This war, this economy, healthcare and education are the most important issues to me. I can't wait to vote and I am encouraging everyone my age that I know to do the same! Your vote does make a difference so get out there and vote!!
Peace & Love.
Current Mood:  chipper
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11:04 am
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Blah.
These past nine days have been so sad. I've barely seen David because he's been working his ass off to fix his truck. I cried when I had to leave him to go downstate Saturday morning even though I was only away from him for 24 hours. We spent Sunday together and we spent last night together as well. I am very emotional though. Maybe because Aunt Flow is right around the corner? I'm not entirely sure but I do know I've never cried so much in my life as I have for the past few weeks. And nothing triggers it really, I just feel so sad all of the time.
And soon, school starts which means no more hanging out with Amanda, Kait will be in California, you can never count on Kelly to hang out and Katie will be busy with her friends. Translation for me = loneliness. So I decided I am going to start swimming again to fill up all that time I am going to have.
Current Mood:  sick
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03:45 pm
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Life.
Life is grand. Love is great.
My sister did not get evicted, she got help from places like DHS && some other human services place. I still hate her, she told my mom she should have gotten the car & I should take BATA. Stupid bitch, she doesn't deserve anything she has - including her children. But I have to love her, she is my half sister after all.
Little sister & her bitch of a friend = no longer friends. When Meghan is not working she is with Jeff so Katie gave up && I don't blame her one bit. Meghan also responded to my e-mail saying "Katie never does anything && she smokes all the time, I can't be around that." BULLSHIT honey. Her && Jeff smoke more than anyone I know. She's full of shit && can live in her own little fuckin world.
David && I are doing fantastic. My friends are amazing though Kait leaves me in three weeks to move to Cali :-[ And my family is incredible.
Love you all && don't forget to keep smiling!
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12:15 pm
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This is what makes me feel better when I am mad - BITCHING.
I just need to bitch so I am going to do it here.
First, my older sister is a fuckin IDIOT. They are getting evicted from their house because they owe $2700.00 rent. She claims it all started when Bob got laid off from Eagle Pitcher but that is a bunch of bullshit. He got laid off and he was making $749.00 every TWO weeks and their rent is $800.00. So basically in one pay they had rent covered but my brother-in-law is so stupid that he lets my sister take his ENTIRE paycheck and spend it so they got WAY behind. Now they want to move to Standish with his mother who Stacey complains about ALL the time. She refuses to let the kids stay with my mom until they can get back on their feet and now she's going to take them 2 1/2 hours away from us? I seriously can't handle that, I don't want to handle it and I simply can't. It's too much, those kids are a BIG part of my life. It's going to be hard for me just to move away from my family. Stacey needs to learn to help herself, she expects everything to be handed to her and she is a HORRID mother.
Second, my younger sister's best friend has been treating her like shit lately. She ditches her EVERY time they're supposed to hang out - EVERY single time. She came over last week, cried and fought with her parents so that she could stay the night and then left 40 minutes later for her boyfriend's house after her and Katie had not hung out in two full weeks. Then last night they didn't want to hang out with her but they were hanging out with everyone else and mind you I have heard all of her friends say they like Katie better than Meghan. So I couldn't handle it anymore ( I am WAY protective of Katie ) and I sent Meghan an e-mail this morning just telling her that I know this is her and Katie's battle to fight but she needed to know how she was making Katie feel. I also refrained from bitching her out which is what I REALLY wanted to do and even asked for her side of the story so I could get a better perspective. We'll see what response I get.
Third, I need to start going to church again. I miss it & I need it to bring back my faith that I've lost once again. I feel so lost but I know Jesus will help me find my way. So now I have to go on a church search. I guess I'll just go to a different church every Sunday until I find one that I love.
Fourth, I feel like I am going crazy. There is so much drama and stress around me that it is stressing ME out and it shouldn't but I worry so damn much that I am letting it all get to me. So tonight I am going to float on the lake with my love and enjoy some couple time and this weekend we are going to see my family and float down the AuSable River. I need to just stop worrying, they are not my problems and whatever happens happens. So today I resolve to take a deep breath and when I let it out I am going to let out all the stress with it.
:-]
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11:58 am
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Baby Boom.
Oh my word. SO many people are either pregnant or engaged. People I graduated with, people that graduated the year before me. What the hell? If you accidentally got pregnant that's one thing but engaged at 19? Maybe if you are IN love and have been for quite some time but half of the people that are engaged have been dating LESS than a year. I don't get it, you have your whole life ahead of you - why rush things?
Marriage can wait. Babies can wait. It's too soon for all of that. I wouldn't want to be tied down so early in my life. I want to live my life and do what I want until I am ready to settle down for good and start a family.
David and I have been bickering SO much lately and Saturday night we got into it. He ALWAYS gets upset with me when I have people over whether it be one person or eight people. So I called him out on it, we fought about a lot of different things. We're fine now but I hated it. I just hate fighting.
Hair cut tonight - I am letting Sharon do WHATEVER she thinks will look good with three conditions 1) No straight bangs 2) No mulletesque hair cut and 3) longest layer no shorter than shoulder length
AH. I AM SO PUMPED. :-]
Current Mood:  curious
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10:41 am
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"The best part of beauty is that which no picture can express."
Work is a bore. I wish I could quit and get a fun job.
David and I are doing wonderfully. I love that boy more every day ♥
The Fourth was awesome and then I had vacation which was also awesome.
Not much more than that to say. :-] Life is good.
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09:26 am
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The penalty for success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you.
I had the most amazing weekend. Friday David and I drove to Carp Lake when he got out of work. We fought before we even left but it was my fault. I was in a very bad mood and I let myself slip and take it out on him. Then I cried. I was very emotional Friday thanks to Aunt Flow.
When we got there I ate and then we started a bonfire up and drank. It was fun to drink with his family and get to know them a little better. David was wasted and didn't come to bed until 4:00 a.m. I think I was sleeping by 3:00.
Saturday we got to the car show 10:00ish and walked around until 2:00ish. At 2:00 we crossed back over the Mighty Mac and went to Mackinaw City. We walked around and shopped. Had lunch and enjoyed the craft show. We got back to the motel around 7:00 and then enjoyed the lake. Cooked out, started another bonfire and then left around 10:30 and headed up to Kinross to see Alicia and Josh. We visited with them until 2:30 and then drove back to the motel and fell into bed around 3:30.
Sunday we woke up, packed and left. It was a good weekend, David was disappointed with the car show because I guess it's a lot less than it used to be. Even last year was apparently twice as big. Proof that gas prices are killing tourism. I just couldn't have imagined a better weekend. I was cranky Saturday night but I am glad that I went. I swear I fall more for that boy every day. It is just continuing to get better, I love it & I love him. ♥
Current Mood:  exhausted
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10:52 am
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And I'm moving on...
Things couldn't be better. I've started a marathon-training program. I am going to walk a marathon - 26 miles or so! I am so tremendously excited and David has been so supportive. I have a different number of miles I have to walk every day plus Cross Training. I am loving it and the way it is making me feel. I have WAY more energy and am WAY less irritable. I just feel better about myself. The mileage increases each week; it is going to be a remarkable feeling when I cross that finish line.
Amanda must have realized what she was doing because she called me Friday and we hung out Friday night. Then today we're meeting up when I get out of work and going on a nice long bike ride. I haven't been on a bike ride in AGES, I am so stoked!
My neighbor keeps to herself; I am telling you she IS a crack head.
David and I are going to St. Ignace this weekend for the car show and to visit Josh! It is a family tradition for him to go to this car show and he was so pleased when I said I would go. I think it is truly important to him and I am happy to go, I think it will be enjoyable.
And oh my word, July fourth is RIGHT around the corner. I can’t wait!
Current Mood: accomplished
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02:46 pm
[Link] | Our landlord came back and mowed the lawn. It was weird.
We have a new neighbor. She is in her 30's super super skinny and is crazy. She looks and acts like a complete crackhead. I don't know exactly what to think quite yet, her name is Dee.
Sunday is the tubing trip and I still don't have a suit because I got an A in procrastination. Looks like that is on the list for tomorrow.
Caught up with Chels and Tiffany last night at the civic center. We walked three miles. I think that is my new way to catch up with friends, just walk and talk. It was nice, time flew by.
Amanda is being a horrible friend but whatever. She doesn't want to call me and hang out, I don't need to call her to hang out. Friendhsip is not a one-way street and I'm sick of being the one that plans everything.
Cleaning tonight and then walking with Kait, five miles. After that, getting our drink on with the boys. And then tomorrow playing tennis for a few hours and another friend walk with Leigh Ann.
Hopefully tomorrow evening can just be a quiet evening at home with my man. I miss him & am falling harder for him every day.
Current Mood: thankful
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04:14 pm
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Angel of Mercy, how did you find me?
Got my new phone. It's a slide up, I adore it & I'm kind of obsessed.
Going tubing down the Platte the 22nd with half people I know half people I don't know. It's going to be unbelievable. Just have the intimidating task of finding a new suit before then! Ick, I hate bathing suit shopping. But if I am confident it will show.
The life altering process is slow but I can tell a difference already. I love this journey of discovering myself.
I got new mascara last night, Rimmel London. It's 3x magnifying and it's a pink container. I'm addicted; it makes my stick straight lashes look marvelous.
I ♥ the Beatles! And I miss my Uncle Steve :-[ The Beatles always remind me of him, he loved them. We got a boom box and played Beatles the entire two days of his viewing. It was an admirable way to honor him; he would have loathed the elevator music they were playing before my Aunt Linda intervened. I do miss him terribly.
Work is a bore lately. Nothing to do, it has slowed WAY down. I don’t like it; I don’t want to be bored. At least if it’s winter I don’t mind that much because it’s cold outside but it’s summer so if I am bored stiff I will just sit here and dream about how I’d rather be outside in the sun frolicking around.
My landlord came last night and weed whacked our yard. So it went from 12-inch grass and weeds to six-inch grass and weeds. He is useless. Use a freaking lawnmower idiot, weed whackers are for whacking away grass in areas where lawnmowers can't get it. Ugh.
Current Mood:  blank
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04:32 pm
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I held on longer than I should believing that you might change your mind.
Ok. Last night was horrible. I have never been as angry as I was last night. I literally threw my phone across the room twice. The first time the antenna broke, the second time it completely split in half. So now I need a new phone. Then I threw my plate into the sink and that broke but that was totally accidental. I punched David in the face. He was going to call the cops on me. We were screaming at the very top of our lungs at each other. I don't even want to go into details because I'd rather forget it ever happened. He was so angry with me that he just snapped his phone in half. It was hell. I hated it and I hope it never happens again. We talked forever last night and we're sort of okay now. We're going to Alltel after I get out of work to get new phones. My house is a complete disaster now too and that will have to be cleaned tonight. Ugh. I am emotionally numb today, I don't feel anything. I could probably go home right now and sleep the rest of the day and all night. That fight exhausted me. It definitely did not help that each of us had a few beers.
I think we have a new neighbor. The "For Rent" sign disappeared Friday. I hope it's the girl with the bike, I hate people who have cars. People who have cars create problems for us. I hate the parking at my house. I am in a very negative mood today. Ugh.
I just can't wait to get a new phone. I hope I am eligible for a new one, if I am then I get the two year contract price without signing a new contract. If I am not then I might just say that someone stepped on it and the antenna was already broke off. That way insurance would cover for a new one for only $50.00. We'll see I suppose.
Current Mood:  cranky
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12:01 pm
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In the true sense of the world, are we using what we learned?
We went to Kelly's. She has been ignoring us because of Matt which is a bunch of BS but whatever. Apparently he doesn't want her hanging out with ANYONE, what the fuck is that? She is her own person. So now she wants to break up with him and move out and it would have already happened except they have a lease that isn't up until May 1st of next year. We told her she could buy out her name on the lease and we're all set for her to move in with Amanda. He went ballistic Thursday night and was throwing shit everywhere, broke two Family Video movies. He hasn't hit her yet but I told her before Amanda got there that he seems like JD and she needs to get out now before it gets worse. Then Amanda got there and told her the exact same thing.
So I am officially super stoked for this weekend. Except tonight because tonight is WAY too busy for me. After work, I have to drive David to Cadillac, drop him off so he can get his truck and then drive straight back to my sister's house for a cook-out with her and the kids until 11:00 ish and after that I am picking up Kaitlin so she can camp out for Madonna tickets. I might get one but I doubt it, I'd rather spend $25 on shoes. Madonna is not that interesting to me. But I'll camp out as long as it isn't raining, if it is then she is on her own. Plus, it's going to be hotter than fuck. Ugh.
But tomorrow when it is 80 degrees, sunny and humid I am going out to North Bar with the ladies and probably the guys too and relaxing and drinking all day long :-] What could be better than that? My favorite part of summer is the little lakes like North Bar and Twin Lakes. They're the best because you can actually swim back and forth across the whole thing and not worry about floating away to god knows where if you fall asleep on your tube while tanning. I am so extremely excited for it, the first real summer drinking trip! And then Sunday if it doesn't storm like it says it's going to I think David and I are going to wander out to the Grass River Natural Area and walk the 7.5 mile trail. Everything is going so well :-] I love it, I just absolutely love it. And I am more upbeat, less angry, and I feel better! Yay for life changes.
Current Mood:  bored
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11:54 am
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Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple, sometimes goodbye's the only way.
Still haven't gone to Kelly's. Amanda and I are going tonight around 7:00. David and I had the talk and it went well, he says he's coming but you never know what will happen between now and then.
I am so emotional lately and not like crying sad emotional. It's just when I feel an emotion I feel it ten times more than normal, it's very powerful. I like it. And I've re-discovered music. It's not like I didn't listen to it, it's playing on my radio constantly but I forgot the empowerment it can make you feel. Music makes me feel better no matter what. It always has. It truly does make the world go round.
I am so driven lately, more determined than ever to get what I want in the time frame that I want to get it in. And David is finally helping me, he's said before that he would help and he never did but last night was the first time. And I got mad at first but then I realized I ASKED him to that for me and finally, he is doing it. I think it will be good for me and it will help me a lot. By the time I go to Florida I am going to feel and look amazing. It's a six month make-over inside and out and I want it so bad I can taste it. This is my chance, my time and it is going to happen. I am going to discover exactly who I am, I am going to force myself to deal with the things I haven't dealt with, I am not going to be the way I have been just because that is what people are used to. I'm really excited for this, it's a journey to discovering who I am and what could be better than that? I am going to know who I am and what I stand for. I am going to have direction, I am going to have a voice and I am going to be heard. I love the feeling it gives me just to think about it. I am going to take some chances and do things I've always been too afraid to do. I'm going to live my life and enjoy every moment of it and I am going to learn to love myself. It's not going to be easy, I am going to have to deal with many things I've avoided dealing with and there will be many MANY obstacles along the way but I am confident that I will sail over every hurdle and make it to the finish line just in time.
Current Mood:  hopeful
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08:41 am
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" Helping yourself forces destiny to help you."
I've finally figured out what felt off with my life. It's Mackinac and Lansing and the way that David feels about it. It made me think and I don't think the move will be easy for us. Not at all. And that scares me. I just figured all of this out last night and I am drafting a letter to David today. I want him to know what is going to change when we move, how I am going to change and how that will affect our relationship. I want him to know what he is getting into and I do not want him to resent me for moving down there. I want to lay everything out on the table and then he can make his choice. I just want to make sure that if this ends our relationship he won't leave me forever. I still want to be friends because he is my best friend and it would kill me to lose him completely. If I have enough time today, which I am sure I will then I will get the final draft done and give it to him tonight. I am going to try and read it to him but I have a feeling I am going to start crying and when I cry, I can't talk. So just in case, he'll be able to read it and everything I want to say will still be known. It will be an interesting night.
Moving on. My weekend was good. Friday - cleaned like a madwoman, went shopping at Meijer at like 10:00 p.m. and then hung out with Amanda, Grant and Doc. Saturday - was lazy pretty much all day and then partied out at Amanda's cabins with her Doc, Grant, David and Sam. And yesterday David and I enjoyed the day together.
Kelly still hasn't gotten ahold of Amanda and I. If she is truly ignoring us I am going to kill her but honestly I am more worried than anything else. It is like her to ditch us but it isn't like her to ignore our phone calls and voicemails for five days afterward. I am beginning to think that something is seriously wrong. But seriously if Amanda and I go over there today and she is home and fine then I am going to kill her. It's just rude to ditch someone and then not call them back for five fuckin days. Ugh, she better be alright. I am going to completely bitch her out if she is though.
Current Mood:  confused
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02:56 pm
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Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times
What a week. It seems like it's taken forever for Friday to arrive. Our landlord decided that he is going to put our kitchen floor in tomorrow, finally. So tonight I get to clean clean clean, woo hoo. Just what I wanted to spend my Friday night doing. How wonderful.
My brother-in-laws mother paid their electric bill so I didn't have to take the kids. And then Katie talked to Jeff and Jeff just wanted to get laid, that's why he had sex with Meghan so she feels better now because things will be okay Meghan tends to become OBSESSED with her boyfriends and Jeff said he doesn't have any feelings for her whatsoever. So that was two pieces of good news.
Amanda and I had set up a girls night with Kelly last night. So what does she do? Ditches us.....AGAIN. Amanda told her what we were doing when they were at Hickory. I called Kelly and she told me she had no clue what was going on. I finally got ahold of Amanda at 6:00 and she told me what was going on. So it had only been 1/2 hour since I talked to Kelly and she ignored ALL of my phone calls and ALL of Amanda's phone calls. So we had dinner and then went to Amanda's house. We invited Doc, Grant, Nick and Joe over and we drank. The drunker we got the meaner our messages to Kelly got. We called her 50+ times last night and left at least 6 voicemails. And her and I are having lunch today so we'll see what her excuse is this time plus she knows she's caught so she'll be all squirming trying to make me believe the bullshit excuse she's come up with. It's always Matt. She is afraid of him, she does whatever he wants her to do and that's why she doesn't hang out with anyone. She doesn't stand up for herself, you should NOT be afraid of your boyfriend. It's sick and sad.
We had a really good time with the guys though. We had the most hilarious conversation ever about women's bathrooms. Doc was saying "I swear they have a secret room in there and that's why they go in pairs." And we were telling them about the bathrooms that have couches and tables and flowers and shit. They were jealous. haha Amanda and I told them that we just go in pairs so that we can talk about them. David came at like 10:15 and we left at 10:45. I loved last night.
And yay for tomorrow. Amanda's dad is letting us all party at the cabins that he runs and if it's not raining we can have a bonfire and shit. It's going to be a lot of fun. YAY!
Current Mood:  satisfied
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